GCSE English. Is this story half decent? Please can you check it? What grade will I get?
I blocked all sound out as I walked down the clean white intimidating walls of the hospital corridor. My trainers squeaked like a large family of rodents running away in fear from their ferocious flying feathered enemy. I looked down to take in as much detail as possible. I wanted to remember everything I could. It was an important day in my life. I could tell as soon as I woke up this morning. The floor of the long corridor was speckled orange as if someone had splattered it with paint. Attempting joyful creativity but failing as this was a place of death and torture for some people. I knew it was for me. I couldn’t even imagine what it must be like for Lilly. “She’s just through here†announced the nurse. My knees knocked together with nerves. I didn’t know if I wanted to see what was behind those brightly coloured patterned curtains. It all seemed so fake. Nothing seemed real any more. It’s the type of thing that happens in films. Not my life. I never thought it would happen to me. I pulled back the ugly colourful curtain and was shocked with what I saw. Lilly was as pale as a sheet lying in the white hospital bed. Almost lifeless, except from her chest slowly moving every second or so. The beeping from monitor echoed continuously around the small room. Lilly’s mum was a statue as I gasped. She didn’t notice anything apart from the zombie of my best friend in the hospital bed. Lilly’s skin was so pale; she looked like a china doll. “You have five minutes, then you’ll have to leave†Lilly’s mum let out a sob. How was I going to do it in five minutes? What if it was the last time I’ll ever see her? I wanted things to go back to the way they were before. I wanted to tell her all the gossip. I wanted to go to the beach with her. I wanted to go shopping with her. What if nothing like that ever happened again? I didn’t want to imagine it. The future was too dark to think about. Right now was where I should be keeping my mind, with Lilly. I needed to concentrate. Maybe if I talked to her, like I usually do. She’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal. “Lilly?†My voice was croaky from not talking in hours. I had to think about what I was going to say. What would wake her up? I remember when we first met; we were both eight. Our hair was in bunches and our front were teeth missing I recall as I reminisce about our old school class photo. She had just moved here from Manchester and everyone was teasing her because her accent was different to all the others children’s. I told them to back off but she said she didn’t need me to stand up for her. She told me she didn’t need to depend on anyone; it’s ironic now as she’s depending on a machine to breath for her. Then after school we were in the cloakroom, she saw my school bag had S Club 7 written on it. She asked if I liked them, I told her I loved them. She smiled a toothy grin and told me she loved them as well. Somehow despite our differences we got closer and closer over the years. We were inseparable. Until that red ford fiesta knocked her down. I awoke from my reminission as I heard a long beep. I knew this wasn’t good news straight away. The monitors beeped uncontrollably. The doctors and nurses pushed me and Lilly’s mum out of the way. “I’m sorry you’re going to have to leaveâ€, the nurse exclaimed. Lilly’s mum screamed. It pierced my ears. Not just the pitch but the emotion in the scream. They gathered around Lilly’s bed like ants surrounding a dropped piece of fruit. The last beep lasted a lifetime. I knew she was gone.
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1 :
It gets better as you (meaning you as the author) get into. It seems like in the beginning your trying to get into the story too. Try writing some paragraphs before where you started that way you'll already be in it. The only problem I have with it is in the beginning. There's no emotion in it and the line about the rodents has got to go. Those kinds of lines have to be compact. Happy Trails
2 :
Not Great, but pretty good. Fine points remission, not reminisssion. colorful, not colourful Personally I would streamline this piece by making war on dative clauses, prepositional phrases, adverbials and passive verbs. YOURS: My voice was croaky from not talking in hours. I had to think about what I was going to say. MINE: My voice croaky from talk, I gave thought to what I should say. The most important thing is to keep on writing. Also keep in mind, sometimes creative writing requires one to bend the rules. I say this last bit because you are "this" close to doing flow of thought writing; especially at the start.
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